


Easier to Hate than Miss

by Saria118



Category: Dragon Age (Comics), Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age II
Genre: Gen, Other characters mentioned - Freeform, fenris/isabela purposely vague like they did the do but if romantic or just friends up to you, same for hawke very vague
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-09
Updated: 2020-04-09
Packaged: 2021-03-01 19:55:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,827
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23552647
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Saria118/pseuds/Saria118
Summary: A chance encounter at a tavern has Fenris reconsidering somethings.
Relationships: Fenris/Isabela
Comments: 1
Kudos: 3





	Easier to Hate than Miss

**Author's Note:**

> Based on some thing that is shown in the new comics and what the writer had to say on Fenris state of mind. I just had to.

The tavern was nothing special. Just another port towns breeding ground for vagrants. A place to hide, drink and sleep and perhaps find someone with a ship willing to make a trip with some extra passengers for a few coins. Fenris had found himself in many places such as this lately.

“Looks like I win again!” His ears picked up from across the room.  
“You nug humping cheat!” He didn’t want to look.  
“Can’t blame em for that half the game is about cheating” he grasped his drink tighter, he wouldn’t look.  
“What’s counting cards between friends really?” The laughter just sounded so damned familiar.  
“So you don’t want another round the?” His eyes quickly glanced behind him.  
“Course I do, I’ll get you back!” He found the source of laughter and good humored ribbing quickly.

A table at the back corner filled with drinks and food, surrounded by people playing cards. A rag tag group so very different from each other, for just one moment he thought this was another tavern. With a different rag tag group.

‘No!’ Fenris berated himself forcing his eyes back ahead, away from such memories. ‘They left me!’ His hand tightening on his drink before forcing back a long swig. ‘It’s simple nostalgia. I do not miss them.’ He insisted to himself. ‘We were just stuck together by circumstance nothing more, it was inevitable.’ He told himself.

Repeatedly. For years.

‘It was those damn brats fault.’ Fenris decided. ‘They went and reopened old wounds.’ But even then he knew it wasn’t true. There were nights when he had nothing but his thoughts that would always wander back to a different tavern.

He finished his drink and ordered two more refusing to allow himself to miss those people. He was alone as it should be.

Fate, the maker or whatever damnable god had other plans though.

“Well, well, well, if it isn’t the elusive Blue Wraith.” Called a voice behind him. A somehow familiar voice, with a familiar purr.

‘Can’t be,’ he insisted to himself, ‘I’m simply drunk.’ And so he ignored the voice pretending to not acknowledge a word it said.

“That’s a fancy name you got yourself, I’m a little jealous.” It spoke coming closer until he could feel the body behind him. Hands setting themselves on the back of his chair. Dark tussles of hair coming over his shoulders, and a familiar scent washing over his senses before the voice whispered to his ear, “been a while Fenris.”

He couldn’t stop himself from saying “Isabela?” And he certainly couldn’t stop the awe and disbelief in his voice either.

He heard that old chuckle of hers as she pulled back, taking the open seat next to him at the counter. “It’s Admiral Isabela now.” She announced, and he finally dared a look at her.

Not much had changed over the years, a few laugh lines barred her skin perhaps and her clothing certainly made her look like an Admiral. Though he doubted the authenticity of the title. That mischievous glint still shown in her golden eyes and that confident way about her could still be felt. It was as though no time had passed at all for her.

“You cut your hair.” She remarked casually her fingers experimentally running through the short spikes of hair. “I like it. Shows off those nice chiseled features of yours. I’d swear you were made of marble...”

He quickly pulled her hand away.

“Don’t touch me.” Fenris warned glaring daggers at the pirate who looked more annoyed than afraid or mad. ‘How dare she,’ He thought. ‘How dare she act like nothing happened.’

“I do recall a time where you liked me touching you.” She retorted pulling her hand away to get to her drink.

Unconsciously the memories of them came back. An abandoned mansion, a room at the hanged man, on the shore of the coast, on a ship. Laughing, moaning, panting.....

He slammed his fist down, surprising the other patrons but not her. She was use to his outbursts after all.

“That was a different time.” He hissed out forcing the memories back. Trying to pretend that lying there in the after glow speaking of nonsense for hours with her wasn’t pleasant.

“It wasn’t that long.” She huffed going back to her drink.

“Why are you here?” He grumbled, But not leaving. He paid for the drinks after all. Or so he told himself.

“Let’s see it’s a seedy tavern in a port town...I wonder what I’m doing here.” Fenris could practically feel her eyes rolling.

“Admittedly that was a stupid question.” He replied.

“I was surprised to see you though.” Her voice softened. “Wasn’t sure it was but then I saw that familiar glower.” She was trying to make him laugh. She use to do this during the early years. But he wouldn’t fall for it.

“Did you hear? Seems you aren’t the only one who got a fancy new name.” This time she was trying to bait him. He could see it clear on her face. But once more he would not engage.

“Ohhhhh so you didn’t,” She laughed reading him like an open book. “Get this they made Varric viscount of Kirkwall.” Her laughter rang though the busy room, and he felt the corners of his mouth twitch before stopping himself.

“I know right?” She responded like he’d said something. But then if he remembered right she did often do that taking some face he’d make as a response. Had he made one? “I didn’t believe the letter at first but when I looked into it there it was, you can’t write shit like this.”

Fenris contemplated that for a moment it was certainly surprising. He’d never thought Varric would be anything more than a self proclaimed hack writer and charming rogue. Always pictured him in that room at the hanged man regardless if it was true or not.

“I honestly don’t know why I was surprised you were unaware you are hard to get in contact with.” She mused removing the ridiculous hat from her head, showing a profile he was more accustomed to.

“Don’t act as though you’re concerned.” He scoffed.

“Alright who stuck the pole back up your ass?” She glared, her annoyance with him clear on her face. “You’re acting like I’m so kind of pest rather than..”

“What a friend?!” He cut her off with a snap. Golden eyes widening in surprise. “Please we were never friends none of us were.” Yes that was right she trying to fool him again. “We were just convenient accomplices nothing more.”

Isabela looked at him sharply, not in anger or pity or anything really, just stared him down, reading him as she would a map. He couldn’t stand her scrutiny turning his head back ahead.

“You don’t mean that.” She spoke matter of factly. Fenris hated it.

“Don’t act as though you know my mind.” He snarled back.

“You miss them.”  
“I do not!”  
“Please, how can you not miss people you spent nearly a decade with.”  
“They left!”

He nearly crushed the metal tankard in his hands in anger.

Yes they left how could he possibly forget that day.

_It had been little over a year since Kirkwall fell and the writing had been on the wall for some time. Whatever this was that bound them together was loosening it’s grip._

_”There’s more coming every day I should go. Make a show of it maybe..”_  
_”What use you as distraction Anders?! I’m not letting you kill yourself!”_  
_”You should its only justice after what I’ve done!”_  
_”Kirkwall was a powder keg waiting to explode with or without you! And we have sick and wounded that need you!”_

_Anders ever the martyr and Aveline the pragmatist had been at each other’s throats for months._

_“We can argue politics day in and out but fact of the matter is they don’t want you blondie.....they want Hawke.”_

_Varric the one who always had a plan sounded so desperate._

_“It’s true. Varric and I found letters on a few of them. While I’m sure they’d like to get you Anders what they’re searching for is the Champion.”_

_The lot erupted. He couldn’t recall who said what._

_“What? Why?!”_  
_“How long have you known this!?”_  
_“And when were you planning to share this information?”_  
_“But why you?”_

_“It didn’t say I suppose the divine has need of a Daring Hero.”_

_Wasn’t that just like Hawke a joke and a laugh to put minds at ease._

_Not that it worked this time._

_“We’ll go then.”_

_Merrill spoke up first, seemed at times like these she spoke most assertively._

_“Merrill you don’t have...”_  
_“It’s alright Hawke, some of the elves I’ve been assisting have stated they’d like to go for some time”_  
_“They don’t have to I’ll up the guard..”_  
_“You’re already wearing yourselves thin as it is. I know the forests here well. Hawke can come with us...”_  
_“I appreciate it Merrill but a Shem would stick out like a sore thumb.”_

_“What’s the point of me having a ship if I don’t use it?”_

_Finally Isabela spoke her piece and why she hadn’t rose anchor before was the true mystery._

_“Come one I’ve ferried more dangerous cargo before.”_

_“That’s a kind offer but there’s simply too many, and not many elves trust ships.”_  
_“Sorry Rivani, me and boats aren’t a pretty combo either.”_  
_“As much as I’d like to go....with you and me there’d be two angry mobs of religious zealots after us. Not to mention what Justice may do...”_  
_“I can’t go. I’m needed here I won’t abandon another burning city.”_

_It was obvious what was happening._

_“Ships are the first place the chantry will look for me.”_

_There was no joke, no quip. Only silence._

_“I guess we’re in agreement then.”_

_At the time Fenris could hardly hear over buzzing in his head. So overcome with emotion his body burned as one by one they said their goodbyes._

_What was so bloody good about it?_

_”Fenris?”_

_Hawkes hand steadied him in the moment._

_“You’ve been fairly quiet.”_

_He hated the face Hawke made, so understanding and calm._

_“It’s not like this is the last time you’ll see me. Can’t shake me that easy.”_

_A laugh. A lie._

_“Well I wish you well my friend.”_

_Hawke was the first person whom Fenris described as such. If THIS was what a friend was he didn’t want them._

_The last thing he remembered of Hawke was look of hurt deep in their eyes._

_And as strangely as they’d come together they separated._

_It was inevitable._

“I didn’t leave.” Isabela spoke bringing him back to the present. “If you’ll recall.”

Looking back she hadn’t. She’d approach him and remade her offer of boarding her ship.

“You turned my offer down.”

“Irrelevant.” He scoffed at her attempt to guilt him. “Our goals are opposed, what difference would a few extra months make.”

“I’ll assume then that you hadn’t heard the unhappy news?” The graveness of her voice caught him off guard.

“I....I don’t know how much of this was true or how much it was Varric exaggerating but in this case I very much doubt it.” She took a long drink and in her silence he noticed how much time had passed. Most of the patrons having left.

“Apparently despite how hard Varric worked to keep Hawke out of it the Inquisition needed the Champion, And well now one dwells in the fade.”

Everyone faded away in that moment.

Isabela.  
The tavern.  
Nothing existed save a single word that trembled out of his mouth.

“No...”

His mind raced, throat dry, body shaking.

Hawke who with a smile and a laugh took him for what he was and never asked for more.

Hawke who would always listen and speak with patience even at his most volatile.

Hawke who never ordered simply asked.

Hawke who gifted him things with no expectations. Things a former slave could never dream of owning.

Hawke who helped despite what misfortune it might bring.

Hawke who refused to let him be a slave again.

Hawke who tried to make the best of things even as the world burned around them.

Hawke who Fenris had coldly forced away when they had to part ways.

“No I...” His body felt too tight. Tears threatening to fall from his watering eyes.  
“Hawke can’t...” Breathing had never been so labored before.  
“I should have....” he gritted his teeth fighting to keep himself in control.

“Hurts like hell doesn’t it?” Isabela spoke softly placing a hand atop his own that he handnt realized crushed the long emptied tankard. “The things we can’t take back. Believe it or not even I have suffered through it.” That was the secret of her, how deeply she cared for people.

“Yes....”  
“You didn’t think the last time would be THE last time.”  
“.....yes”  
“Even with all your insistence that we were all just convenient accomplices.”  
“I...I just....”

Words were insufficient for what he was feeling. The moment they had parted replying in his mind over and over. He hardly heard Isabela order them another round.

He should have said goodbye properly, should have thanked Hawke for the life he was able to live there if only for a little while, should have vowed to meet again, should have......

“Well it’s a good thing I lied then.”

Slowly he turned his head back to the pirate as she drank nonchalantly.

“What did you say?” He hissed out through his teeth.

“I said I lied. Hawke isn’t dead.” She smirked like she just bluffed her way into winning a large pot. And perhaps she did. “Though if I had to stay in weisshaupt longer than a fort night I’d wish for death.” She gave a little chuckle at her own joke. All the while Fenris seethed.

“I.... how dare you! You bitch... I should...,”

“But it could have been Hawke.” Her directness, gold eyes starring him down caused him to stop what he had been thinking.

“What do you mean?”

“I didn’t lie about everything. The inquisition did need Hawke and Hawke did go to the fade, the only difference was this time someone else made the sacrifice first.”

Fenris sat back down when he had gotten up he hadn’t realized it. This hurricane of emotions Isabela put him through made him grateful for the drinks she purchased. One of which he knocked back quickly.

“Never seen you drink like that.” She mused lightly.

“I’ve never been put through a barrage of emotions like that before.” He dared a look at her finding Isabela looking almost apologetic.

“Well you are a stubborn one.” She said instead, not wishing to say she was sorry. Not that she every really did so directly. “I had to be rough to get my point across.”

He could argue but she saw through him. Despite it all he missed them. Missed that life. He wished he could go back to hating though hate was so much easier.

“Your point has been received.” Fenris grumbled and she looked all too smug.

“It was kind of nice though....” She mused looking almost wistful. “Having people you can trust to watch your back for no reason other than you watched theirs. Even if they’d have been better off if they hadn’t...”

He knew her mind was no longer in this tavern. It was in another. One that smelt like piss and fish guts but was warm and safe all the same. Where a storyteller dwell, a guardswoman turned a blind eye to the sights, a blood mage failed to learn cards, an abomination relaxed and a champion managed to blend right in.

“I miss them too.” Isabela confessed when he dared to look at her, Fenris found a soft smile on her face and tears in the corner of her eyes. “And that includes you too, crybaby.” With a laugh she lifted her hand to wipe the tears he hadn’t noticed from his face.

It felt so nice. Though if it was from letting the tears fall, Isabela’s care or both he couldn’t say.

What he could say was she was right.

“You know I am looking for a ship headed south.” He spoke up, catching her in surprise. “Happen to know of any willing to take a stowaway?”  
“Hmmm I know of one who’d be willing to go that way.” Her eyes glinted at his invitation.  
“Then I’ll have to discuss it with them though I haven’t much coin to offer. Being a thorn in the magisters side doesn’t pay much.”  
“Well I hear they’re willing to ferry friends for free.”  
“Hmmmm then I suppose I’d have to consider myself lucky were I to be their friend.”

The pair laughed as though time hadn’t passed and later while on her ship Fenris would ask Isabela to help him send a simple letter to Kirkwall.


End file.
